bride's shoes

In one of our online morning chats, I told my friend, Therese, I feel empty. Burn out.  Null and void. It’s like traveling in a dark tunnel, where the light was very bright in the beginning and then it started to grow dark to darker.  I groped for something to hold on to and ache for the familiar. Then, I felt nothing.

According to Dr. M, my graduate school professor, defined burn out as a state of exhaustion and diminished interest.  Photography became a form of delightful release for me when my love affair with it first started.  I made friends and learned from them.  I joined clubs and photo walks.  I went out, excited, with my camera.  Dinner dates were photo opportunities.  After each experience, how simple it might be, I blogged and posted my photos passionately.

I was happy.

But all of those changed when I started to take the business side of photography.  I became a wedding/portrait photographer.  Hesitant in the beginning, but eager in the end.  I’m not saying I do not enjoy it.  I love it immensely.  It’s not easy, but who wants to do something easy, right?

I just have to find that balance and go back to the basics.  Basics would mean bringing my camera again wherever I go.  Because for a time now, I don’t bring it with me anymore when I’m not working.  So, it’s like I associated the camera with work and not for pleasure, except maybe when I’m traveling.  During gatherings with friends and family I don’t even take pictures anymore.

It’s sad.

From now on, I’ll tread a different path.  Call me corny or dramatic or whatever you wish to brand me with how I view the world and my experiences. But I’m not someone who does things just BECAUSE.  I will always find meaning in what I do.  I’m not a camera who just waits for someone to click it.  I am a photographer. I make the settings. I will express my life, my aspirations, my dreams the way I see and feel about it through my lens.

I will go back to blogging — if I don’t run out of thoughts and stories to write about.  There is power in words and the freedom of expression.  Pictures may speak a thousand words, but words and pictures when put together is stronger.

I will go back to school. I stopped pursuing my masters degree in Psychiatric nursing — I like learning about messed up minds.  I miss learning and using my head. I feel so dumb already, I am hungry for something new.

I will be a nurse again.  I will practice being one. The only way to do that is to volunteer. I don’t mind at all.

I will join workshops.  If you know of any wedding workshops in Manila, let me know.

So, there!  I have expressed myself honestly. This has bugged me for five days now.  I feel better already!

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July 18, 2011
I definitely know what you mean, we work long hours in the hospital, doing what we were expected to do but we are not completely happy. Having to do what we really want in life like photography would fill up that void and make us feel genuinely happy :)
    July 18, 2011
    Hi Christine.. I know, right? That's why I have to keep that balance and not make it purely business. That way it'll keep me sane. Thank you for leaving a comment. How's your shop doing??
July 20, 2011
I think that is your brain telling you to slow down and take a break and hence the burn out feeling. You've been busy and got heaps of pics to pp. hehe.. You need a grand vacay Maimai san. The best remedy for the meantime is to give yourself what it deserves best..the R&R. Seriously Mai, pursue your other interest and dreams. And when you reach that point, you can say to yourself - I have the best of both of worlds :)
    July 21, 2011
    Yeah. I guess... Need to take it easy on myself. Been pushing myself too hard these days. i follow a very strict self proclaimed deadline.. hehehe.. thanks Jen
July 21, 2011
thanks for sharing your thoughts mai ... i am glad you felt better after sharing all these --- place yourself on a time out for now, then when you get that needed break, do follow what your hearts desire, *hugs to you my friend*.
    July 21, 2011
    Doing my time out already..Hehehe.. Thanks Cinds. Are you pushing thru with the website or you like the one you have na?
July 24, 2011
*** Are you pushing thru with the website or you like the one you have na? ... I am not sure yet mai, probably because for the fact that i just paid for my smugmug account (official website), i probably need someone software tech savvy to fix it for me (smugmug version --- it's pretty different site/software to work with ... though most of the photographers US base love it). Current blogsite is working so far for me, so i may just probably hang out with it for now. Thanks for asking =)
    July 25, 2011
    Alright Cinds. Haven't heard of smugmug yet. Will look it up.
October 3, 2011
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October 16, 2011
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Great post, Love it. Keep it up. Thanks!
An Great post with lots of food for thought.
Jade
January 30, 2012
Stick to what makes you feel fulfilled. It may change through time but always stay true to your heart. It may not be the most practical, but in the end, it's what feeds your soul that matters. You're good at photography - and you have made countless people happy, such as me! Keep on keeping on - and you're right - there's always volunteering.
    February 5, 2012
    Thank you Jade.

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