In one of our online morning chats, I told my friend, Therese, I feel empty. Burn out. Null and void. It’s like traveling in a dark tunnel, where the light was very bright in the beginning and then it started to grow dark to darker. I groped for something to hold on to and ache for the familiar. Then, I felt nothing.
According to Dr. M, my graduate school professor, defined burn out as a state of exhaustion and diminished interest. Photography became a form of delightful release for me when my love affair with it first started. I made friends and learned from them. I joined clubs and photo walks. I went out, excited, with my camera. Dinner dates were photo opportunities. After each experience, how simple it might be, I blogged and posted my photos passionately.
I was happy.
But all of those changed when I started to take the business side of photography. I became a wedding/portrait photographer. Hesitant in the beginning, but eager in the end. I’m not saying I do not enjoy it. I love it immensely. It’s not easy, but who wants to do something easy, right?
I just have to find that balance and go back to the basics. Basics would mean bringing my camera again wherever I go. Because for a time now, I don’t bring it with me anymore when I’m not working. So, it’s like I associated the camera with work and not for pleasure, except maybe when I’m traveling. During gatherings with friends and family I don’t even take pictures anymore.
From now on, I’ll tread a different path. Call me corny or dramatic or whatever you wish to brand me with how I view the world and my experiences. But I’m not someone who does things just BECAUSE. I will always find meaning in what I do. I’m not a camera who just waits for someone to click it. I am a photographer. I make the settings. I will express my life, my aspirations, my dreams the way I see and feel about it through my lens.
I will go back to blogging — if I don’t run out of thoughts and stories to write about. There is power in words and the freedom of expression. Pictures may speak a thousand words, but words and pictures when put together is stronger.
I will go back to school. I stopped pursuing my masters degree in Psychiatric nursing — I like learning about messed up minds. I miss learning and using my head. I feel so dumb already, I am hungry for something new.
I will be a nurse again. I will practice being one. The only way to do that is to volunteer. I don’t mind at all.
I will join workshops. If you know of any wedding workshops in Manila, let me know.
So, there! I have expressed myself honestly. This has bugged me for five days now. I feel better already!